Kagura and the Band of Seven
by Roxotaku
Summary: This story was written for the "Fairy Tale Refit," at Iyhedonsim on LJ. This is CRACK - a total joke written to make you laugh! It is a retelling of "Snow White," with Kagura as Snow White, Naraku the Evil Step Mother, Band of 7 as 7 Dwarves.


Disclaimer: InuYasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and I make no money from this crack.

Kagura and the Band of Seven

Queen Naraku smoothed the red, silk kimono with the white lilies with his hands. He checked his makeup one last time, primped his hair, and then told Kanna to hold the mirror higher.

"Mirror, mirror in Kanna's hand, who is the sexiest bitch in the land?" Naraku purred.

"Not you, you old bitch," the mirror replied. "Kagura is the sexiest bitch in the land…"

As Naraku's red eyes glowed like embers with rage, his fists clenching in anger, Kagura cringed. God damned that stupid, big-mouthed mirror, now she was in for it! Walking backwards, she tried to slink out of the room. Turning at the doorway to make a dash for it, she felt a tentacle wrap around her legs…

'Oh, fuck…' Kagura thought with a groan.

"I've had enough of you always being the sexist, bitch!" Naraku seethed. "I can't stand the sight of you any longer – Kohaku!"

No one arrived…

"Where is that stupid zombie boy," Naraku snarled. "Kohaku, get your resurrected ass in here!"

The vacant eyed boy slowly walked into the room and stood there looking at nothing.

"Take this insubordinate bitch into the woods and disfigure her," Naraku commanded. "I don't want to see her again until she is the ugliest bitch in the land!"

Kagura began to struggle against her captor, but he delivered a terrific wallop to her head and knocked her out. Kohaku hoisted the wind sorceress across his shoulders and made his way out of the castle and into the forest.

When Kagura regained her consciousness, Kohaku was standing over her silently. He moved away as she unsteadily got up.

"I won't harm you," the boy said softly. "Escape…I will make something up. I don't care what punishment he makes up for me – my whole existence is a punishment."

Reaching out her hand, Kagura wanted to respond – but Kohaku made a fast get away into the woods and disappeared. Kagura's hand flopped down in defeat and disgust. Her red lips curled in a wry smirk.

'Stupid kid,' Kagura thought. 'Now what am I to do?'

There was a rustling in the bushes behind her, and Kagura spun around, ready to flee. A male face peeked out at her followed by five more – the last one was so pretty she could not be sure of it. Parting the foliage, a young man with a huge halberd and a long braid down his back sauntered out.

"What do we have here, guys?" Bankotsu said. "You get thrown away by Naraku, bitch?"

'I'm not your bitch!" Kagura hissed, balling her fists.

"Heh, I think she did," Renkotsu said, coming to stand beside his leader. "She did not deny it."

"Come with us, Kagura, if you want to live…" Bankotsu drawled.

She was given no choice in the matter, the Band of Seven had surrounded her….and Naraku had taken her fan! Defenseless but defiant, she would not let them touch her as she followed them to their abode in the woods. Every day they made her wash their clothes, clean their weapons, and help Mukotsu with his loathsome concoctions…..Yet, she was safe.

One day Bankotsu told Kagura that all seven of them had to leave and do a job – no one could stay behind and protect her.

"So don't open the door for anyone, got it?" Bankotsu admonished.

"Go, I can take care of myself," Kagura said dismissively, and waved them away.

Later that day, there was a knock on the door. Kagura ignored it, but it became louder and more insistent. Stalking over, Kagura was going to whup who ever it was up upside the head, but pulled up short.

"Who the fuck is there?" Kagura said.

"It's me, Kanna," was the answer. "Naraku is dead – we are free!"

Throwing the door open and filled with sudden hope – Kagura came face-to-face with Naraku. He smirked at her evilly, her heart in his hand.

"Die, bitch," Naraku said – and squeezed….

The Band of Seven found Kagura lying there later, dead. They carried her into the woods and laid her out on a slab of rock. Then they went to collect stones to build her cairn.

While they were gone, a great Taiyoukai Lord found Kagura lying there so neatly arrayed and still beautiful. Slowly he approached her, his eyes narrowed. Then he drew one of the swords at this waist – and swished away those who had come to take Kaguras soul to one of the demon hells. The wind sorceress's eyes snapped open and she gasped – not only was she alive, but her heart was resurrected inside her as well!

Lord Sesshomaru held out a hand, and Kagura took it. In wonder she climbed off what had been her grave.

"You saved me my Lord," Kagura said. "I am forever in your debt, how can I repay you?"

"You are my bitch now," Sesshomaru said quietly. "You do whatever I say, and behave in a manner befitting the wife of the Lord of the Western Lands."

"Wife?" Kagura said. "I won't have to clean will I?'

"No, I leave that to Jaken and Rin," Sesshomaru said.

"I can deal with that…" Kagura said with a smile.

'And I can't wait to share your bed either, my Lord – kami, do I want your body!' Kagura thought.

And Kagura and Sesshomaru lived happily ever after…..


End file.
